Kaleidoscope 2/40: What would happen if all of your inner thoughts were broadcast out loud?

Kaleidoscope 2/40: What would happen if all of your inner thoughts were broadcast out loud?
How DALL-E imagines 'turning a kaleidoscope inside out'

I rarely start with the punchline, but this one is too good.

It's a fantastic litmus test for how aligned you feel with your life — the more terrifying this idea, the less aligned. So let's dive right in:

What would happen if all of your inner thoughts were broadcast out loud — for a month?

What is most terrifying?

Three things immediately come up for me. I know I am not alone in any of them. And I'm sure you're not alone in your reaction either.

One - I'm pretty sure everyone would think I was pretty crazy.

My thoughts are a total jumble most of the time and I basically never know what I think until I say something out loud. It's a JUNGLE in my brain... For many of you who have heard me speak extemporaneously that may be a surprise, but its the thing I would be the most terrified to let the world in on.

Also, I would interrupt everyone, all the time. And I'm already bad enough about that.

Two - If I'm honest, I would be embarrassed to let everyone hear the way that I talk to myself.

Mostly, I'm kinder than I used to be, but I'm frequently a total jerk and bully to myself and say things that I would never in a million years think of saying to a friend — I wouldn't even think these things about another human, let alone say them! But saying them to myself, in my own head, somehow that's okay? (It's not. And I am very much not alone in this.)

Three - I would be afraid that I would cause a lot of damage with my emotional swings.

The truth is that my emotional range seems to be larger, less stable and more extreme than most of the people around me. I've worked hard to develop the skill of recognizing them for what they are — temporary — and mostly just let the extremes run free in my mind without a lot of control, as that's the best way I've found to let them dissipate. If all that were out loud I'd hurt relationships that mean a lot to me, say things that were wildly inappropriate, let everyone in on my self grandeur and self doubt and... coming back to number one, I'm pretty sure everyone would think I was pretty crazy. Because, honestly, those emotions are rarely rational or reasonable and sometimes they aren't even connected to reality.

To me, the most interesting thing about this list is what is NOT on there — but absolutely would have been at other times in my life.

This is the heartbreaking category.

What is missing is truth telling — the relationship or the job or the situation that would crumble if I actually said what was on my mind.

There are a few people in my life for whom running into them during this month would be an utter calamity!

And more than a few people that I would be pretty terrified to encounter if THEY were the ones broadcasting their thoughts.

But, for the most part, I think expressing my truths out loud would strengthen my relationships — and it makes me wonder why I haven't said it already.

My 101 year old grandfather got COVID earlier this year and ended up in the hospital. It wasn't looking good and it upset me more than I was expecting.

But the thing that was most upsetting to me was the idea that my extended family — the 30ish of us that are his kids & grandkids & their partners — might not be the same family after he passed. Although I live far away and don't talk to most of them regularly, the confidence that I have 30 people that I can call on for anything has always underpinned my reality. Losing that is oddly terrifying.

So why have I never said anything like that to them? I have no idea. But I guess I've just signed up for a Christmas toast.

What inner whispers should you share?